Sunglasses, Speeding and Swearing
by VampireBasket
Summary: A hilarious little one-shot in which Hidan learns to drive. / AU obviously, rating for Hidan's mouth.


**A/N: **So me and Karl were driving along behind a mega slow driver, and somehow we got onto the conversation of 'if the Akatsuki could drive'.

So here we have, a series of one-shots in which several (if not all) the Akatsuki learn to drive.

Enjoy ;D

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of it's characters, only my OCs.

* * *

**Hidan Vs the Wheel**

Instructor: Kel Hoshikana

Student: Hidan

Time of Day: 6:30pm

Weather Conditions: Dry

My name is Kel, I am 58 and have been a driving instructor for over thirty years and let me tell you, I have taught some of the best. To this day I can still remember my very first client, clear as though it were yesterday.

I had pulled up outside their house, nervous as hell and shaking like a leaf as I sat in my newly polished, scarlet mini cooper. The girl had skipped outside upon my sighting and clambered into the passenger door with ease. She had chattered happily as I drove to a nearby industrial estate in which we had swapped seats and she had taken the wheel.

I remember complimenting her on her excellent steering control, to which she had blushed and explained that her mother had been giving her amateur lessons on an abandoned car park.

I had a good feeling about my lesson this evening. I had a new student that I would be collecting shortly, and I had high hopes for him. He had, not uncommonly, requested to use his own car that he had bought and paid for himself. From my experience, this was always a good indication of enthusiasm and willingness to learn, so as I set out in my cerulean Ford Fiesta, my thoughts were all positive.

However, as I drove casually through the darkened streets in the Southern side of town, the doubt began to seep through the cracks of my mind. This neighbourhood was rough and dirty, the kind of neighbourhood a mother warns her daughter never to venture through alone, and not particularly one that you would choose to walk through when the daylight had faded. Still, opting to remain optimistic I pushed the negative feelings to the back of my mind and pressed on, undeterred.

The address I had been directed to was a grubby-looking set of apartment blocks, to which the gates that one would usually have to swipe a keypad to enter had been smashed open and left without repair.

Pulling my fading blue car into neutral, I gulped slowly as I stared up into the maze of railings and doorways. My usual course of action to alert someone I had arrived would be to simply sit within eye line of their window, but this was not so simple. Reaching for my mobile, I tapped a quick message to my student.

_Hello,_

_It's Kel, your instructor. I have pulled into your apartment lot and am ready when you are._

_Thanks_

The minutes ticked by with no reply, and I glanced at the small flashing clock on my dashboard. Ten past seven. I clicked my tongue thoughtfully, debating whether it was worth giving him a ring, but before I could make my decision, movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention.

A young man, probably around his early 20s was strolling down the gravel path, his arms folded casually behind his platinum blonde head as he went. His eyes landed on my car and his direction changed abruptly as he headed straight towards me.

I started to get out the car to greet him, but he shook his head and gestured to my car. 'You can't park that there.'

'Oh, I apologise. I was just waiting for my new driving student, his lesson was supposed to start at seven…'

'Yeah, I know.' He snapped, his eyebrow twitching almost unnoticeably, and he narrowed his strange magenta eyes. He pointed to a space a few yards away. 'You can leave it there. My car's round the back.'

I blinked at the man, realisation slowly dawning on me. 'Oh! Then you must be Hidan.' I extended a hand out, offering to shake his. 'I'm Kel, nice to meet you.'

'Yeah yeah, just hurry and move that thing before the landlord gets pissed at me again.' He waved a hand in dismissal and back away for me to reposition my Fiesta.

Not one to be disheartened by bad first impressions, I quickly did as he suggested and, double checking that I had securely locked the doors, hurried over to where Hidan was strolling away.

When we rounded the corner, my jaw almost hit the floor. His car was unexpected to say the least. Matte onyx in colour, I vaguely recognised the vehicle as a late 1960s Pontiac, though with the amount of unnecessary modifications it was hard to tell.

Hidan apparently noticed my expression, and grinned smugly. 'She's a 1968 Pontiac GTO. Wait till you hear her roar!'

I tried to ignore the way his eyes widened with his grin, making him look slightly insane. Clearing my throat and gesturing to his… car, I headed for the driver's seat and began to explain my plan for the course of his lessons.

'This and the next few sessions will take place on the small housing estate a few blocks North of here, where we will work on gear and steering control, and get you used to the way your car drives. From there we'll move onto some busier roads and work on the more complicated aspects of driving.'

Hidan only grunted in response, tossing me the keys carelessly. He slid into the passenger side, tugging the door shut almost tenderly as he waited for me to get in. I did so hurriedly, feeling an uneasy pressure from his vivid fuchsia stare.

'Fucking slam the door, why don't you?' He muttered under his breath as I closed the door. I winced at his language but decided against commenting, it _is_ a free country after all. I should add that I did _not_ slam the door.

As the engine rattled to life, I found, much to my embarrassment, that the car did in fact roar, even at 30mph. Thankfully though, no one seemed to pay us any mind, this neighbourhood had probably seen much worse days than an old noisy car disturbing the peace.

We arrived smoothly at the small housing estate, in which I switched places with Hidan, bravely allowing my student to take the wheel. Looking back, I now see that this was a very bad idea.

'Have you had any experience with driving before, Hidan?' I asked him pleasantly, as I showed him how to move into first gear.

'I've had a few instructors before. Didn't get farther than second lessons though.' I wasn't 100% sure, but I thought I heard him add quietly 'useless incompetent bastards…'

I daren't ask what happened to his previous teachers, instead moving on to describe the route I wanted him to take; a simple crawl around the block to ease him in.

He complied, jolting the car forward and cursing when it stalled violently.

'Don't worry, not a problem. Just flick your engine off and on again with the key, bit like restarting a crashed computer.'

He rolled his eyes at my comparison and grumbled lightly to himself as he tried again, this time successfully.

The car growled as he revved, urging it up to 40 mph in seconds.

'Watch your speed, Hidan,' I warned, waving a hand to a twenty sign that flashed by the window as he sped along the road.

'Tsk, that's an advisory…' I was about to contradict his comment when he hit the brakes suddenly, shocking me into silence.

A few roads ahead, a battered-looking silver Golf was hovering at an empty junction, debating whether or not he had time to exit before Hidan reached him.

Judging by the now painfully slow speed Hidan was crawling at, it decided to take its chances, plunging out of the junction and into the lane in front of him.

'What the…! Did you see that? Fucking Heathen just cut me up!' He snarled, punching the wheel and slamming his foot down before I even had a chance to register the motion.

I thanked God that I had my seatbelt on as the car charged its prey, snarling as ferociously as its master.

In an urge to calm the seething male beside me down, I decided to comment on a small silver pendant I had swinging angrily from the rear view mirror as he swivelled the Pontiac around another corner, almost barrelling straight into a line of wheelie bins.

'S-so, Hidan. That's an interesting pendant, you have there. Family heirloom?' I forced a smile as I clutched the edge of my seat stiffly.

His eyes glinted with erratic excitement as his head whipped to the side, throwing me a terrifying grin. 'Never heard of the ways of Lord Jashin, eh?'

My eyebrows raised, remembering his outburst when the silver Golf had pulled out on him. 'You're a religious man then?' I guessed, unable to hold back the breath of relief at this comforting thought.

'Damn straight. Jashinism is the only way forward in this shitty world.'

'So you don't approve of Christianity or Buddhism?'

'Hey, whoa! Don't use that fucking language in my presence.' I wanted to raise an eyebrow and laugh at the irony, but the infuriated look of a man on edge made me hold back.

A loud honk suddenly sounded from ahead, making me jump halfway out my seat as my eyes widened at the scene. Somewhere in the midst of our 'conversation', Hidan had managed to drift silently onto the wrong side of the road and was about to collide head on with a considerably large van.

All but diving for the steering wheel, I yanked it hastily towards me, dragging the Pontiac back into the safety of our own lane. My eyes still wide, I turned to the Jashinist to caution him on his attention, and to my horror found him hanging halfway out the window.

'WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FUCKING GOING, YOU OVERGROWN BASTARD!' He bellowed, angling himself so that he could wave both hands behind him, middle fingers extended offensively.

I stared at the bleach-haired male as he swivelled back into the driver's seat, throwing me an exasperated look as he groaned. 'Is everyone this shit at driving?!'

Unable to form a polite string of words in my disbelief, I managed a small awkwardly laugh as my head turned mechanically to stare out the front window.

My heart pounded so hard against my ribcage that I was amazed it didn't shatter every bone in its path, and I cleared my arid throat as I pointed to a flattened curb. 'Why don't you pull over there, for now?'

'Right.'

The car halted on a tilt, with only one wheel on the curb while the rest slanted off into the road, but I hardly cared. It had eased moving, and that was all that mattered.

Glancing nervously at the clock, I noted with relief that there was only fifteen minutes left of the lesson, and I could push ten of those into the journey home, in which I would be back in control.

Once I had composed myself, I turned to face my student, who was waiting suspiciously patiently with a raised eyebrow. 'So, to finish off, why don't we try one more lap of the block?' The question was more to myself, a question of my own sanity. _What was I thinking?_

'Fuck yeah!' The engine gave a feral growl at Hidan's stomping foot, and let me tell you I have never been more thankful to the guy who invented the handbrake.

He moved off again without hesitation, this time managing to complete the round with only one uncontrollable tantrum, in which he ranted that the next cat that made him slow down was going to be, and I quote, 'mowed so far into the ground that it would pop right through the other side into Lord Jashin's mailbox', whatever that meant.

I can still recall the pure joy that surged through my veins when I sat back down in the driver's seat and steered the over-decorated Pontiac in the direction of Hidan's apartment block.

He patted the bonnet when we got out after I had reluctantly returned his keys. He then proceeded to flash me a toothy grin and asked, 'same time next week?'

I threw him some lame response about checking my diary and that I'd get back to him, before I all but flew from the scene, my escape to freedom mere seconds away.

Both in amazement and relief that I had survived the incredible ordeal, my knees wobbled and threatened to give way as I practically ran to the front of the apartment block. I rounded the corner of the building eagerly, heading straight for the safety of my benign little Fiesta, but stumbled backwards in shock at the sight as though I'd experienced a hearty slap to the face.

The wind was promptly suctioned out of my lungs as I gasped at what was left of my car. Two of the wheels had gone AWOL, along with both of my side view mirrors, and the bonnet was now several deep vile shades of green and yellow.

That was a mere three weeks ago, and I barely remember how I even attempted to drive home in that condition.

Needless to say, I have since submitted a very desperate and pleading form to my officials, begging for consent to my early retirement.

I anxiously await their reply.

* * *

**A/N: **I genuinely believe Hidan would be the death of a driving instructor. Thoughts and suggestions welcome, feel free to flame.


End file.
